What I Needed to Hear
When I was in third grade, Ms. Hanson pulled me in from recess for a heart-to-heart. She solemnly told me if I wanted to have friends, I had to stop tattling on other kids. At the time it was embarrassing and crushing because I thought I was doing the right thing. But I wasn’t. And Ms. Hanson had the heart to tell me what I needed to hear.
The key to Ms. Hanson’s feedback was her heart for my good. She knew saying something hard was something good that would help me throughout my life. Perhaps you’ve had someone tell you something you’ve needed to hear and someone was gracious enough to tell you. I hope you have because there are two things we learn when others give us this gift.
We learn what we need to do to improve. If someone didn’t tell us what we needed to do to get better, we’d keep plugging away in the same way with the same poor results. Would you want someone to tell you that you were driving around with your parking brakes on to save you the wear and tear on your car? Yes.
The same is true in life. Some of us are driving our lives around wasting energy and resources because we are operating inefficiently and ineffectively. Others of us are in difficult relationships where for whatever reason, we simply don’t get the other person’s perspective. Sometimes we need someone to step in and point out what’s isn’t working that I can change to improve the situation.
The key to this feedback is that it’s about me. What about my behavior isn’t working? Not what about the other person’s behaviors isn’t working. I can only change me, so what action can I take that will make a difference.
The other thing we learn from what we need to hear is that we are loved and respected. After Ms. Hanson told me I needed to stop tattling on other kids if I was going to have friends, I felt terrible about myself. I wondered if Ms. Hanson would treat me differently because she knew how defective I was. I wondered if she would like me anymore.
Her feedback and the-same-as-before-our-talk behavior showed me that learning hard stuff about yourself didn’t change the way people felt about you or how they treated you. The folks who have told us difficult things in our lives do so because they care about us.
One of my favorite lines from one of my pastors is: “I love you too much to not tell you __________.” Thanks, RD McClenehan for those brilliant words! When I work with leaders and groups, I change that feedback phrase to, “I respect you too much to not tell you __________,” mostly because I want to avoid harassment charges and because the statement is equally true in this phrasing.
When someone cares enough to tell me what I need to hear, it’s a gift. I can choose to take the gift and ignore it, or I can take the gift and use it to learn about what I can do better and know I’m still respected and loved – maybe even more respected and loved than I realize because someone chose to speak into my life.
The next time someone sits down for a heart-to-heart with you, look at it as the gift that it is and remind yourself of the amazing people in your life who are willing to tell you what you need to hear.
Vistage chair, keynote speaker, trainer, and consultant, Sarah Gibson, helps organizations leverage the power of communication, teamwork, and diversity to improve engagement and transform teams.
If you are a CEO or know a CEO who would benefit from a peer advisory group, please contact Sarah at Sarah.Gibson@Vistage.com. To inquire about her speaking programs, please visit www.sarahjgibson.com.
