Paying Attention to Your Body’s Response to Conflict

We had a delightful family visit over several days this past weekend. On Sunday afternoon, as we enjoyed the rare sunshine and warmth of spring, we found ourselves discussing family history. We talked that no matter how mature we are, there’s long-term responses to expected family reactions.

The same is true for many of us in our work worlds. We have visceral reactions based on our past, which may not be remotely true of the current situation, but which impacts the current situation. For example, one person I know said he gets knots in his stomach when he has difficult conversations with his boss, not because the boss isn’t kind, thoughtful or logical, but because almost 20 years ago, a former boss who was a little nuts overreacted to everything. In today’s terms, we would have called him a bully.

It’s important that we acknowledge our physical response to conflict and then determine if that response is based on our experience or our reality. A lot of workplace conflict isn’t handled in a healthy way because of previous patterns we learned.

Some common responses to conflict include: raised heartbeat, flushing skin, sweating, knots in the stomach, tight shoulders, headaches, or exhaustion. These physical responses can be harnessed to help us learn from ourselves and one another.

Here are a few ways to test your reaction to see if how your body is reacting is legitimate for the situation at hand:

1) Ask if this feeling happens only when this person is present or in all situations. Examine why you feel that way. What specific behaviors in this conflict bothers you? Does this person remind you of someone else with similar behaviors?

2) What mutual goal do the two of you have in sight? Oftentimes, our conflict is not the end goal, but how the end goal is achieved. Focusing on what you have as a goal often removes the stress over the how it’s done.

3) Ask yourself about the other person’s intention in the conflict. Do you think that person woke up looking for ways to make you upset or offend you? Odds are good they didn’t. What is making that person react in the way they are?

4) Have the hard conversation between yourself and that person, telling him or her about the behaviors that put you on edge. Focus on tangible behaviors (talking loudly and assertively, making statements vs asking questions, moving too fast) not your perception of those behaviors (you are a bulldozer, you don’t consider what others think, you steamroll).

I’ve seen time and again where someone reveals their reaction and the other person had no idea what s/he was doing was offensive to the other person. Eighty percent of the time, awareness makes the relationship significantly better.

Your body is giving you clues to your reaction to conflict. Use those clues to grow more comfortable in how you address conflict and in how you adapt to be more effective in your workplace.

 

Keynote speaker, trainer, and consultant, Sarah Gibson, helps organizations leverage the power of communication, teamwork and diversity to improve engagement and transform teams. To buy her book or inquire about her speaking programs, please visit www.sarahjgibson.com.