How do I become more like that?

Ever met someone who took others for who they are – fully and unconditionally? That’s my mother-in-law, Ruth. I saw this in action at her 80^th birthday party this week. She’s an extraordinary woman who graciously loves all who cross her path no matter their story, background, current life circumstances. It’s one of the things I admire most about her. It left me wondering, how do I become more like that?

As I thought about Ruth’s amazing ability to relate to others, I realized she doesn’t compare herself to others. She lives without the fear of what others will think of her because she extends that same grace to each of them. That’s a pretty amazing and freeing thing!

So what happened that prompted me to wonder what Ruth does differently from most people? I had a conversation with a cousin who wanted to know what I did for work. Knowing he’s a brilliant farmer, far removed from the corporate world I live in, I stumbled to explain my work. It was hard to tell him what I do because I didn’t want to sound like a highfalutin, fancy-schmancy business type.

What I did instead is create a bigger hole between the two of us because my answer felt evasive, and I probably came across as snotty and like I didn’t think he had the intellect to decipher what I do. Not my intent, but quite possibly the perception.

So often when we compare and assign value to our differing worlds, we end up farther apart rather than closer together. This cousin’s world and mine. The stay-at-home parent vs the working outside the home parent. The person with strong faith and those who don’t believe.

When we let comparisons divide us, there are usually two things at work:

• The identification of what’s different between us.
• The perception we form about those differences.

When we identify what’s different between us, we can have a conversation and learn more. That’s what my mother-in-law does. She sees differences and asks questions, valuing the other person.

What most of us do, is take our comparison one step further. We compare and then we form perceptions about those differences, and we often get trapped in our own fears about those differences.

This fear brings division to our relationships. It causes us to fear what others think of us. It causes us to doubt we could add value to others. It separates our richness as a whole people doing life together and tells us the lie that one person’s contribution is more valuable than others.

Why was I such a bumbling idiot with this cousin? Because I was afraid if I told him about my world, he would think I was an arrogant snob. What I did instead was not value his intellect by sharing with him what I do. It robbed him of the ability to ask more questions about me – to get to know the real me. It divided our worlds just a little bit more.

Now was that my intention? No, I did it so he wouldn’t think me a snob. However because I spoke out of fear, we missed out on a better conversation – one where we got to learn more about each other’s worlds.

As I said, Ruth does this naturally. She stops before she adds in her perception of someone else. It’s a lovely gift to watch and experience. How do I become more like that?

I get more of what she naturally embodies by seeing our differences and letting it drive me to a desire for more understanding. I let it open conversations and see what is unique about that person’s world. I fully believe we each bring something unique to this world and pledge to not let fear drive me away. Instead, I want those differences to bring us together and to add to the world we share.

Let’s get a conversation going – when do you let comparison and fear get in the way of getting to know someone else? Who needs a second shot in your life? Who would you like a second shot with?

Vistage chair, keynote speaker, trainer, and consultant, Sarah Gibson, helps organizations leverage the power of communication, teamwork, and diversity to improve engagement and transform teams.

If you are a CEO or know a CEO who would benefit from a peer advisory group, please contact Sarah at Sarah.Gibson@Vistage.com. To inquire about her speaking programs, please visit www.sarahjgibson.com.