Extend Forgiveness So Everyone Can Move Forward
We grew up with different tolerances for different behaviors. In my family, we embraced and tolerated passive aggressive anger. Others of you grew up with social norms like calling women girls. For many of us, our childhood norms seep into our world today, often accidentally. When this happens, we face the opportunity to extend forgiveness so everyone can move forward together.
In a recent session, two participants engaged in a respectful, passionate discussion around what to do when someone they work with does or says something inappropriate. The first person explained she grew up in an era where you said things that weren’t okay then and certainly aren’t okay now. She admitted inappropriate terms sometimes seeped into her conversations today.
A second person argued that she didn’t want to offer a pass for inappropriate behaviors because someone grew up with those behaviors as the norm. She was tired of offering chances to others because change only happens when we don’t tolerate poor behavior.
These two perspectives challenged me to think about my responses to situations like this. Where is my line between “That’s how that person grew up and I need to look past the behavior,” and “That’s it. This conversation should have been done a long time ago, and I won’t put up with that behavior.”
As humans and team members, we want our individual perspectives to be treated respectfully and we want healthy boundaries that allow everyone to thrive. Forgiveness allows us to do that.
Forgiveness Defined
We don’t often use the word forgiveness. You can look up Dictionary.com’s definition, but I find the synonyms more helpful as we define forgiveness. Defining forgiveness through synonyms, we find the act of forgiveness is extending reprieve, mercy, compassion, grace and charity to others.
In the situations we’ve been talking about, forgiveness extends second chances to others (moving forward in our relationships). Yet there are times when we need to forgive and move on through the establishment of healthy boundaries.
Practical Guidelines
How do we know when we forgive and move forward, and when we should forgive and move on?
There are some practical guidelines to these two questions. While these guidelines aren’t the only things to consider, there are three questions that help us to determine if we forgive and move forward or forgive and move on.
- First, is this person aware of the impact of their words and actions?
- Second, is this behavior unconscious or purposeful?
- Third, what is the impact of this person on others?
Unaware and Unconscious of the Impact
If the person is unaware and unconscious of the impact of their words or actions, then it’s our obligation to say kindly, “Not sure if you realize what that term/behavior implies, but it’s not appropriate and it may impact our team negatively by making this person feel less than others.”
In my experience, people are often unaware of the impact they have on others. They are unconscious of the language that they use. Once aware, they feel horrible for implying something they didn’t intend.
However, we all sometimes still slip up and say the wrong thing. Your speaking up creates awareness and options for the person who made the comment to own their behavior and apologize.
In situations of unaware and unconscious, our forgiveness allows all of us to move forward together. When we say what we need to and we forgive the other person for slipping up, it provides us return forgiveness when we slip up. And, we’ll all slip up at some point.
Aware and Conscious of the Impact
Now for the harder conversation, what do I do when someone is aware and unconscious? I contend regularly there are jerks and morons everywhere (rockstars too). If someone is choosing harmful language and actions, then our options are different.
We speak up until we determine that this isn’t unconscious, unaware behavior. Then in the workplace, we bring our examples to our leader or to HR to address the poor behavior.
In our personal lives, we determine if a relationship with this person is worth tolerating the poor behavior. An example may be your adult child makes poor decisions. Says harmful things. You decide that for the sake of influencing your grandchildren, you’ll put up with the behavior so you can influence your grandkids differently. The decision to forgive and move forward or forgive and move on is never easy.
Why Forgiveness Let’s Us Move Forward
Because I’m flawed and regularly mess up, I opt for forgiveness as often as possible, with the hope forgiveness will be extended to me in the moments I need it. It allows me the opportunity for growth so our relationship can move forward.
Forgiveness implies community and life together. When we forgive, we move forward together, honoring and respecting each person’s rights. May we all be more forgiving this week as we move forward as teams and families and may we know when we need to forgive and move on.
P.S. Thanks for bearing with a longer than usual article this week! This week will make up for the next few weeks when I’ll be out of the office traveling or spending time with my family. Enjoy the reprieve and I’ll see you all back here July 12!
Keynote speaker, trainer, and consultant, Sarah Gibson, helps organizations leverage the power of communication, teamwork, and diversity to improve engagement and transform teams. To buy her book or inquire about her speaking programs, please visit www.sarahjgibson.com.
