Owning Your Own Stuff
Relationships are hard. Whether it’s at work or home, being in relationship with those around us takes compromise and effort. As I worked with this past week with a group of folks in a Rising Leaders program, two helpful concepts emerged about navigating these relationships and owning your own stuff.
What do I need to own in this relationship?
The first concept is “What do I need to own in this relationship?” As I was working with one of the women in the session, she told me about a difficult relationship she had with a colleague.
In the past, the two of them had had a rocky interaction that left the leader nervous about working directly with this woman. As circumstances would have it, they were put on a project together and the rising leader was coming to terms with the best way to approach the relationship moving forward.
During our discussion, she said, “I know I need to own my role in our past interactions. There are several things I should have handled differently.” I loved this leader’s self-awareness. She recognized there were things in her power that she needed to own and take responsibility for.
She was more than self-aware, she was willing to make changes based on what she knew of herself. She was humble and interested in doing better. In telling me about her struggle, she gained my respect for her transparency.
As she has a conversation with her colleague, I’m confident she’ll also gain that person’s respect and move the relationship forward in healthy, productive ways. Owning our own stuff can do the same for us. It shows our heart for the other person and it shows an effort to work hard to make our relationships better.
I can’t own someone else’s reaction
The second concept that emerged was, “I can’t own someone else’s reactions.” When our interactions bump into difficult moments, we often feel we responsible for how the other person responds. Yet there’s nothing we can do about the other person’s response.
Reality is, we can only own our own reactions. I can control how I deliver a message through careful planning and words. But I can’t control that person’s reaction nor am I responsible for their reaction.
If someone else lacks control of their temper or makes excuses for things they’ve done, I can’t control that. Only they can. In the case of this rising leader, the man who brought up his concerns about the other person’s reaction, was avoiding delegating to someone because of his fear of their reaction.
This avoidance caused him to treat his team unfairly. Some people were asked to help in a lot of areas because they had a good attitude about it, creating an unfair workload. The person with a bad attitude was avoided and had an easier workload.
An additional consequence of this unfair work distribution is the potential of creating poor morale on the part of those who started with a good attitude. In this case, the rising leader recognized he couldn’t own the person’s reaction and it was unfair to others when he avoided the difficult person. He could only own his own stuff and delegate with fairness to his team as his goal.
Conclusion
Relationships are difficult. They require a lot of hard work and self-awareness. We need to own our own stuff in relationships – and if you are like me, my own stuff is enough to own without taking on someone else’s stuff.
This week reflect: What from my own stuff do I need to own this week?
Keynote speaker, trainer, and consultant, Sarah Gibson, helps organizations leverage the power of communication, teamwork, and diversity to improve engagement and transform teams. To buy her book or inquire about her speaking programs, please visit www.sarahjgibson.com.
