If a Woman Dresses Provocatively, Isn’t She Inviting Poor Behavior from Men?
Last week’s blog generated a lot of conversation online and in-person. Thank you to everyone who weighed in and shared their thoughts. For those of you feeling uncomfortable about this topic and the many difficult aspects to this discussion, it’s time we felt uncomfortable because it means we’re actually having the conversations we need to.
In addition, there are some points of clarification at the end of the blog for those of you wrestling with the different aspects of the conversation. For the rest of you ready to engage again, let’s jump in.
If a Woman Dresses Provocatively, Isn’t She Inviting Poor Behavior from Men?
After last week’s blog about sexual misconduct and reframing the question around, “Why do women wait to come forward,” this week we’re looking at an additional comment we hear when sexual harassment and misconduct comes up. The question is, “What is the woman’s role in these situations?” Let’s dig in.
Sidebar: If you are someone who has said, “There are things women should think about when they dress or behave certain ways” or something like this, please know I understand your intent is to encourage people to act wisely..
Some of us have heard, “Did you see her outfit? She was inviting what she got.” This saying has two harmful assumptions, which discredit both sexes, which is why I’m writing about it. First it suggests women deserved what happened to them, and second that men can’t control themselves in these scenarios. Let’s talk about both of these falsehoods, which harm both sexes.
Let’s start with the first harmful assumption of this saying, the woman did something to deserve the sexual misconduct she received. Let me start by saying, it’s never, never, never okay to treat someone in a sexually inappropriate way. No matter what. End of story. That should end our conversation, but it doesn’t satisfy many of our cultural norms around the belief or get at the heart of what’s meant by the comment.
Now, the intent of asking what can women to keep from being preyed upon is, be smart in what you do. Don’t do something that will get you in trouble. For example, dress modestly and don’t go to sleazy bars or to someone’s hotel room because you are creating the opportunity to be taken advantage of. Now if a woman chooses to do any of those things, it doesn’t make her deserving of lewd comments or behavior, and she always has the right to turn away unwanted attention.
It’s like me telling my children, don’t pull out all of your cash and lay it on the cash register counter when you buy a pack of gum. It’s unwise and it shows those with poor intent this person may be someone I can steal from. In this case, robbing from the child isn’t okay, just as it isn’t okay to abuse someone who dresses in a certain way or who goes to a bar. It’s not an invitation of any sort, yet because I know there are harmful people out there, I will tell my children to be smart.
That’s the intent of comments like, “Women should dress more modestly if they don’t want something to happen.” It means be smart, but it also carries with it some great misunderstandings, like the woman can control someone else’s actions.
An additional downfall of this argument is the relationship of the victim and perpetrator. In seven out of ten cases, sexual assault and misconduct is done by someone known to the victim. The majority of sexual misconduct happens with people we are supposed to be able to trust, people who have some sort of power or authority over us – family members, boyfriends and spouses.
In the business world, it’s often a colleague or boss or someone in power who approaches the woman and implies if she won’t comply or if she speaks up about an action, then she’s risking losing her job, not being promoted, or risking having her reputation questioned. The woman asks if it’s worth the cost to speak up.
As far as what that woman is wearing, because most often it’s an everyday relationship, it’s often everyday clothes. A University of Kansas art display, which warning may cause you great pain to view and read, entitled, “What Were You Wearing?” shows what victims were wearing at the time of their assault. It’s everyday clothing – a t-shirt and jeans, a red sweater, a swimsuit, a favorite shirt, pajamas.
For those instances where someone chooses to dress in attire that enhances her sexual prowess, saying they should dress more modestly implies women are responsible for the man’s inappropriate behavior, and it brings us to our second false assumption: men have no control of their actions.
If we turned the tables and talked about women, it would be like saying, “That woman was so angry she couldn’t help stabbing him ten times.” There may be a few insanity cases, but it’s wrong – pure and simple – as is assaulting someone sexually with words or actions, to demonstrate power or control over them.
When we have the conversation around what can women do to prevent sexual misconduct, we have to make sure we communicate no matter what the woman’s choice in attire or destination, misconduct is never deserved, earned or wanted. We have to be sure we don’t excuse anyone’s poor choices because the victim made them do it, and how we say that is just as important as our intent.
How do we move forward?
• We continue to tell our friends, sisters, moms, daughters, nieces, cousins “Be smart,” not because we should have to, but because we want everyone to be smart.
• We also tell our friends, brothers, dads, sons, “Respect women. Always. It’s never, never, never okay to mistreat women.”
• We look at all sides and eliminate phrases that accidentally imply it’s the victim’s fault.
• We own our actions, and we hold one another accountable to respect of all others. When we see inappropriate comments and actions, we make sure it stops.
• We speak respectfully to encourage the good men and women in our lives to have this discussion and to work to stop sexual misconduct in our lives.
Watching the cases of sexual misconduct unfold around us in the media is painful. It’s personal. It’s real. However, I’m grateful it’s opening a respectful, thoughtful dialogue needed to make change happen. Let’s have the full conversation, and let’s not be afraid to move forward together.
Clarification points:
• Let me start this segment by saying, if you are uncomfortable or if you want to go to all the “wait, what if,” angles to the topic, congratulations for hanging in there with us. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable when what we’ve thought has been challenged, and I’d dare say it’s good. We need to be uncomfortable to grow. Lean into this feeling and try to figure out why so the conversation can keep going.
• To all the good men out there – thank you! Thank you for being good guys and for treating women with respect and dignity. To the good men out there, scared to say anything because you think it may be misunderstood or mistaken, I’m sorry you are experiencing that feeling. Again, I think the discomfort is good. My goal is that these conversations will free us all to speak together about what needs to change in our society and lives.
• To those of you who fear for the man who may be falsely accused, I acknowledge your point as valid. No one deserves that, and there have been extreme cases where people have been so devastated by the claim they never recover emotionally or physically. That’s no more okay than sexual misconduct.
• To the men out there who have been victims of sexual misconduct, I’m sorry that it happened to you. My goal is to not exclude your pain from the conversation, but to start this conversation so your conversation can happen too.
• Overall, my comments have been targeted at the subtle and not-so-subtle actions of men who purposefully use their power to control others’ lives for their own pleasure or power rush. For us to not talk about this issue because we might offend one of the good guys is to grant permission to the bad guys to keep on behaving in harmful ways.
If you are one of the many, many good women and men in my life, hang in there with me through this conversation. I, and we, need you more than anyone else to join us in this dialogue.
Keynote speaker, trainer, and consultant, Sarah Gibson, helps organizations leverage the power of communication, teamwork and diversity to improve engagement and transform teams. To buy her book or inquire about her speaking programs, please visit www.sarahjgibson.com.
